First 90 Days After Losing a Spouse in Southeastern Wisconsin — What to Do & What Not to Do
You’ve Lost a Loved One: What to Do (and Not Do) in the First 90 Days
Written by Marc Messinger
If you’ve recently lost your spouse or a loved one, you may find yourself awake late at night searching questions like:
What do I do with my spouse’s 401(k)?
Do I need probate in Wisconsin if we had a will or trust?
How do I consolidate finances after my husband or wife dies?
Should I sell the house now?
Do I need an attorney to help me?
Those searches usually don’t come from curiosity.
They come from fear — fear of making a mistake, fear of missing something important, fear that if you don’t act quickly, you’ll regret it later.
If that’s where you are, let me start here:
Nothing is wrong with you.
The first 90 days after a loss are disorienting by nature. And they are not the time to solve your entire life.
When Knowing “What to Do” Still Isn’t Enough
I’m a financial advisor by profession. I live and work in Southeastern Wisconsin, and for years I helped families prepare for moments like this. I thought I understood what the first few months after a loss required.
Then I lost my own wife, when she was only 52 years old.
On paper, we had done things “right.”
We had a will.
We had a trust.
We had life insurance.
We had retirement accounts and beneficiary designations.
In reality, I was numb.
Within weeks, an avalanche of paperwork arrived at my home — life insurance statements, old 401(k) paperwork, medical bills, bank notices, accounts I didn’t even remember existed. Even though I work in this profession, I wasn’t ready to touch any of it. Seeing my wife’s name — Kathryn — printed over and over again on envelopes and forms felt like reopening the wound every single day.
Eventually, the paperwork became so overwhelming that I took over the pool table in my basement and started laying everything out across it. Not to organize it. Not to act on it. Just to contain it. I needed to see it all in one place without having to engage with it yet.
That distinction mattered more than I understood at the time.
The Fog No One Warns You About (Why This Is Survival Mode)
People often describe the early weeks after loss as “a blur.”
That word doesn’t go far enough.
It’s a fog — a mental and emotional fog — and it’s one of the clearest signs that you are in survival mode, not decision mode.
Mental fog after loss can look like:
Forgetting conversations you just had
Losing track of time
Functioning on autopilot
Difficulty concentrating or recalling details
I experienced this in a way that scared me.
One day, I realized I needed food and left my house to drive to the Walmart in Muskego — a simple, familiar trip I had made countless times. About fifteen minutes later, I pulled into the parking lot, put the car in park, and suddenly realized something unsettling:
I didn’t remember the drive.
I didn’t remember leaving my neighborhood.
I didn’t remember stopping at lights or signs.
I didn’t remember being on the road at all.
I had arrived — but I had no memory of getting there.
Then I realized something else. I didn’t even know what I had come to the store to buy. I just sat there in the parking lot and broke down.
In that moment, a thought hit me hard:
If I can’t consciously remember driving to the local Walmart or remember what food I need, how could I possibly be expected to make major financial, housing, or life decisions right now?
That’s what survival mode feels like.
Mental fog isn’t weakness.
It isn’t failure.
It isn’t a sign that you’re “not handling things well.”
It’s your nervous system doing exactly what it’s designed to do after profound loss: keep you functioning, not optimizing.
This is why the first 90 days are not the time to rush decisions.
When Advice Turns Into Pressure (and Guilt)
At the same time you’re moving through this fog, advice often starts coming in — immediately.
Well-meaning people may say things like:
“You should sell the house.”
“You don’t need two cars anymore.”
“You should move closer to family.”
“You should simplify everything right now.”
When widows and widowers repeat this advice back to me, I don’t see clarity.
I see guilt.
Guilt for not acting fast enough.
Guilt for not keeping others comfortable.
Guilt for not appearing strong.
This is where people start making decisions just to quiet the noise.
So let me say this plainly:
The first 90 days are not the time for major, irreversible decisions.
The Three Real Priorities of the First 90 Days
Instead of a checklist, it helps to think of this season as having just three responsibilities.
1. Protect Yourself
Protection means creating distance from urgency.
You are allowed to say:
“I’m not ready to decide that yet.”
“I need more time.”
“I’ll come back to this later.”
Slowing down here is not avoidance. It’s wisdom.
2. Create Breathing Room
Breathing room reduces mistakes.
That may look like:
Putting essential bills on autopay
Confirming access to checking and savings accounts
Gathering paperwork without needing to act on it yet
Identifying one trusted person to help you filter information
In this phase, progress is measured by less anxiety, not productivity.
3. Avoid Irreversible Decisions
During the first 90 days, it is usually wise to avoid:
Selling your home
Cashing out a spouse’s 401(k) or IRA
Making permanent investment changes
Giving away meaningful belongings
There will be time for those decisions later — when the fog has lifted enough for clear thinking to return.
What Is Reasonable to Address Early
While this is not a season for rushing, there are stabilizing steps that can help widows and widowers in Wisconsin regain footing:
Gather information, not answers
Life insurance policies, retirement accounts, bank statements, and beneficiary documents.Have a calm financial overview
Not to make changes — but to understand what exists and what truly needs attention now versus later.Work with an accountant if needed
Especially if taxes or required filings feel overwhelming.Plan to revisit legal documents in time — and yes, you may need an attorney.
Many people encounter unexpected “firsts” months later. That doesn’t mean you failed — it means life changed.Update emergency contacts when you’re emotionally ready
The first time you have to explain to a banker or professional that your spouse has passed, or remove their name from an account or beneficiary form, can be surprisingly jarring. Take those moments at your pace.
Common Questions Widows Ask in the First 90 Days
What do I do with my spouse’s 401(k)?
In most cases, you don’t need to decide immediately. Many widows in Wisconsin have multiple options, and rushing often creates unnecessary stress or tax consequences.
Should I consolidate accounts right away?
Consolidation can help — later. Early on, understanding what exists is more important than simplifying it.
What happens to life insurance after death?
Life insurance proceeds usually pass directly to beneficiaries and are often not taxable income. Filing the claim doesn’t require immediate decisions.
Do I need probate in Wisconsin?
It depends on how assets are titled and whether a trust exists. Even families with estate planning sometimes encounter probate-related steps.
Should I sell my house now?
There is no requirement to sell. Staying put is often the most stabilizing option early on.
Is it normal to feel guilty for not “doing more”?
Yes. Guilt is common. The first 90 days are about stability, not productivity.
You Are Allowed to Slow Down
If there is one thing I want every widow and widower in Southeastern Wisconsin to hear, it’s this:
You do not need to keep other people comfortable right now.
The first 90 days are about breathing, not performing.
About stability, not strength.
About buying time, not having answers.
I created this because I wish I had read something like it myself — even with all my professional experience.
If this was helpful, you may also find comfort and clarity in my other writings and short recordings, including How to Do Hospice Right and Put Yourself on the List. They’re available here whenever you’re ready.
You don’t have to do this alone.
And you don’t have to do it all right now.
It's a Good Life — even when it asks everything from us.
— Marc
If this article resonated with you — or if you'd like me to speak at your organization, church, hospice group, or podcast — I'd be honored to help. You can reach me directly at ItsAGoodLife72@gmail.com.
To learn more about my work and the Life Pillars framework, visit MyLifeTransitionsGuide.com
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