When Your Loved One Can’t Go Home — or Needs Much More Care Than Before
What to Do When More Care Is Needed — A Guide for Families in Southeastern Wisconsin
Written by Marc Messinger
A caregiver walking alongside an elderly loved one using a wheelchair, symbolizing support, transition, and care during later stages of life.
One day, everything changes.
A doctor, nurse, or social worker sits down and says the words no family is prepared to hear:
“Your loved one can’t go home.”
It might come after a fall.
A stroke.
A sudden illness.
A surgery that didn’t go as planned.
Your parent or grandparent went into the hospital expecting to recover. After a few days — sometimes a week — you’re told they need to go to a rehabilitation facility. And then, just as quickly, you’re told rehab isn’t enough.
They can’t go home.
In that moment, your family doesn’t just face a logistics problem.
You fall into Survival Mode.
Why This Moment Feels So Overwhelming
I’ve lived this moment many times — with my grandparents, with my mother, with my father-in-law, and with my wife.
The pattern is painfully familiar.
A hospital stay turns into rehab.
Rehab turns into meetings behind closed doors.
And then a discharge coordinator or social worker walks in and hands you a list.
“Here are some places that may be able to take your loved one.”
That’s usually it.
No explanation of what’s good or bad.
No context on staffing, care levels, or safety.
No real discussion of cost or long-term consequences.
And this isn’t because social workers don’t care.
They do.
They are overworked, overwhelmed, and structurally limited. In most facilities, they cannot recommend one place over another. Their job is to move the process forward, not guide your family through the emotional and financial weight of what this decision really means.
So families do the only thing they know how to do.
They pick a place with no game plan.
Survival Mode: What Families Don’t Realize They’re In
When you’re told your loved one can’t go home, your family drops from Stability into Survival Mode instantly — even if no one names it.
Survival Mode looks like:
Foggy thinking
Emotional decision-making
Too many opinions from well-meaning family members
Anger that shows up in unexpected places
A desperate need to “just get through this”
The person in rehab wants one thing: to go home and have life feel normal again.
The adult children want reassurance that they’re doing the right thing.
And everyone is scared to death of making the wrong decision.
This is not a good environment for rushed, permanent choices — yet that’s exactly what’s being asked of you.
The Financial Blind Spot No One Warns You About
When “We’ll Just Take Them Home” Feels Like the Only Option
Many family members read articles like this and immediately think:
“We can’t afford this. We’ll take them home and figure it out ourselves.”
I understand that instinct. I’ve seen it again and again — with my own family and with countless others.
But here’s the hard truth:
It almost never works.
What starts as a well-intentioned plan — rotating family schedules, helping with meals, managing medications, filling gaps with occasional in-home care — usually begins to unravel far faster than anyone expects.
Care needs increase.
Fatigue sets in.
Resentment builds.
Jobs, marriages, and health suffer.
The plan falls apart almost as quickly as it’s put together.
In many cases, even when a loved one has very limited resources, they are often better served in a facility that already accepts Medicaid — rather than trying to hold things together at home until a crisis forces an emergency move.
And for families whose loved one does have assets, there is an equally important truth:
They are far better off moving while they still have resources — when they have choice and control — instead of being forced into a decision later.
That distinction matters more than most people realize.
The Cost Shock Families Aren’t Prepared For
Here’s where families in Southeastern Wisconsin are often blindsided.
The cost.
Early on, many people are shocked to learn:
A senior apartment can cost several thousand dollars per month
Assisted living with medication management often runs $6,000–$8,000 per month
Higher levels of care can exceed $8,000 per month
Memory care can reach $10,000+ per month
And those costs don’t pause while families “figure things out.”
They continue — month after month.
Which brings me to the analogy I wish every family understood.
The Driving Analogy Families Need
Think of this decision like getting into a car and starting to drive.
You know your destination:
Safe, stable care for the rest of your loved one’s life.
But you don’t know:
How much gas is in the tank
How far you need to go
Whether the road ahead has detours
Or if you’ll run out halfway there
Choosing a care facility without understanding the finances is like driving onto the highway without checking your fuel gauge. You might get moving — but you could stall in the worst possible place.
This is how families end up moving a loved one twice.
If a facility costs $7,000 per month and your loved one has $100,000 available, that money can disappear in under 18 months. If that facility does not accept Medicaid in Wisconsin, you may be forced to move them again once the money runs out.
That second move is often far more traumatic than the first.
This is why financial clarity must come early.
To be clear: families should talk with a financial advisor they trust to understand their options. The goal here is clarity — not sales.
Why “Bringing Them Home” Can Be the Most Dangerous Choice
Many families believe the most loving option is bringing their loved one home with in-home care.
Sometimes that works.
Often, it doesn’t.
In-home caregivers are rarely there 24/7 unless the family can afford significant, ongoing costs. Loved ones may minimize their struggles because they’re afraid of losing independence. Homes become unsafe environments — stairs, poor lighting, isolation.
I’ve seen this lead to:
Serious falls
Rapid health decline
Burnout in adult children
Theft or neglect from unvetted caregivers
What starts as a loving decision can quietly become a dangerous one.
The Mistake Fear Causes Families to Make
One of the most common mistakes families make in Survival Mode is allowing everyone to be a decision-maker.
Too many voices.
Too many opinions.
Too much emotion.
At some point, someone pulled me aside in a hallway and said something I’ve never forgotten:
“You need one person to be the navigator.”
Other family members can give input.
But one person needs to guide the process.
Without that, families fracture — and the loved one suffers the consequences.
The Hallway Conversation I’d Have With You
If I Had Ten Minutes Alone With You in a Hallway, Here’s What I’d Want You to Know
First:
Get a clear financial picture immediately.
How much money exists?
What assets are available?
What do those assets realistically support in terms of care?
Talk to a financial advisor — yours or someone you trust — to understand the reality before decisions are made.
Second:
Ask the nurses and care team honestly:
“Are their care needs likely to increase over time?”
This question matters more than almost any other.
Third:
If possible, choose a facility with multiple levels of care.
Move them once, not repeatedly.
Stability matters more than perfection.
Fourth:
Ask early whether facilities accept Medicaid in Wisconsin.
If they don’t, understand the consequences before you move your loved one.
Running out of options later often means another forced move — and more trauma.
Fifth (when things have stabilized):
Once your loved one is settled and you’re no longer making decisions in crisis, consider speaking with an attorney who specializes in elder care or long-term care planning here in Wisconsin.
Many families avoid this step because it feels complicated or expensive. In reality, the right local attorney can often save families thousands of dollars — and spare them significant stress — as care needs evolve.
This doesn’t need to happen first.
It doesn’t need to happen urgently.
But done at the right time, it can prevent painful problems later.
This Is About Dignity, Not Control
As I’ve written elsewhere, the last thing any of us wants to lose is control of our bodies, our minds, and our lives.
Your loved one is grieving that loss — even if they don’t say it out loud.
Your job isn’t to take control away.
It’s to protect their dignity while navigating a system that wasn’t built for moments like this.
Why I Wrote This
I wrote this because I’ve lived it — repeatedly — with people I love.
I’ve seen what happens when families are rushed, uninformed, and scared. I’ve also seen what happens when they slow down just enough to get clarity.
If this article helps you breathe, pause, or ask better questions, then it’s done its job.
You are not failing.
You are in Survival Mode.
And with the right guidance, you can move toward stability again.
— Marc
If this article resonated with you, or if it feels like it could help others navigating a similar moment, I’m always open to sharing it more broadly. I also speak with organizations, churches, hospice groups, and on podcasts when it’s helpful to the conversation. You’re welcome to reach me at ItsAGoodLife72@gmail.com.
To learn more about my work and the Life Pillars framework, visit MyLifeTransitionsGuide.com.
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